I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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