I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
