You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
