Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
