Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
