I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
