I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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