I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
