You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my shit smells like andre
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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