theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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