The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
