You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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