I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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