my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
