I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
