Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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