My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
