Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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