Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
