Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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