In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
