I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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