you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
