I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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