my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
