at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
