just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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