I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
