Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize