I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
