you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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