i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
