I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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