So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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