Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
