I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
