I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
