Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
