I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
