her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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