I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I believe in your delicious
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
