I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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