Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
