I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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