I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
as a side note pls kill me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
