I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
