got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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