I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
