i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
