Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
