Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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