If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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