pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
