What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Drake has all the answers
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize