I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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