My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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