There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
