He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
NoShamevember. You game?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
