I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize