what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
