My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
