you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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