Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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