I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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