dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize